Pro Dodgeball in Phys Ed

Rick Reilly, “The Weak Shall Inherit the Gym” Sports Illustrated, May 14, 2001

Not to a= larm you, but America is going softer than left-out butter. Exhibit 9,137: Schoo= ls have started banning dodgeball.

I kid you not. Dodgeball = has been outlawed by some school districts in New York, Texas, Utah and = Virginia. Many m= ore are thinking about it, like Cecil County, Md., where the school board wants to = ban any game with "human targets." Personally, I wish all these people would go suck their Birkenstocks.

Human targets? What's tag? What's a snowball fight? What's a close = play at second? Neil Williams, a physical education professor at Eastern Connecticut= State, says dodgeball has to go because it "encourages the b= est to pick on the weak." Noooo! You mean there's= weak in the world? There's strong? Of course there is, and = dodgeball is one of the first opportunities in life to figure out which one you are a= nd how you're going to deal with it.

We had a bully, Big Joe, in our seventh grade. Must have weighed 225 pounds, used to take your underwear whi= le you were in the shower and parade around the locker room twirling it on his fin= ger. We also had a kid named Melvin, who was so thin we could've faxed him from class to class. I'll never forget the dodgeball= game in which Big Joe had a ball in each hand and one sandwiched between his kne= es, firing at our side like a human tennis-ball machine, when, all of a sudden,= he got plunked right in his 7-Eleven-sized butt. Joe whirled around to see who= 'd done it and saw that it was none other than Melvin, all 83 pounds of him, m= ost of it smile.

Some of these New Age whiners say dodgeball is inappropriate in these times of horrifying school shootings. Are you kid= ding? Dodgeball is one of the few times in life when = you get to let out your aggressions, no questions asked. We don't need less dodgeball in schools, we need more!

I know what all these NPR-listening, Starbucks-guzzli= ng parents want. They want their Ambers and their Alexand= ers to grow up in a cozy womb of noncompetition, wh= ere everybody shares tofu and Little Red Riding Hood and the big, bad wolf set = up a commune. Then their kids will stumble out into the bright light of the real world and find out that, yes, there's weak and there's strong and teams and sides and winning and losing. You'll recognize those kids. They'll be the o= nes filling up chalupas. Very noncompetitive.

But Williams and his fellow wuss= es aren't stopping at dodgeball. In their Physical= Education Hall of Shame they've also included duck-duck-goose and musical chairs. Seriously. So, if we give them do= dgeball, you can look for these games to be banned next:

Tag. Referring to any child as it is demeaning and hurtful. Instead of the child hollering, "You're it!" we recommen= d, "You're special!"

Red Rover. Inappropriate labeling of childr= en as animals. Also, the use of the word red evokes Communist undertones.

Sardines. Unfairly leaves one child alone at the end as the loser -- a term psychologists have deemed unacceptable.

Hide-and-seek. No child need hide or be sought. The modern child ru= ns free in search of himself.

Baseball. Involves wrong-headed notions of stealing, errors= and gruesome hit-and-run. Players should always be safe, never out. =

Hopscotch. Sounds vaguely alcoholic, not to= mention demeaning to our friends of Scottish ancestry.

Marbles. Winning others' marbles is overly capitalistic.

Marco Polo. Mocks the blind.

Capture the flag. Mimics war.

Kick the can. = Unfair to the can.

If we let these PC twinkies have their way, we'll be left with:

Duck-duck-duck. Teacher spends the entire hour patting each child so= ftly on the head.

Upsy down. The entire class takes turns fluffing the gym teache= r's pillow before her nap.

Swedish baseball. Players are allowed free passage to first, second or third, where they receive a relaxing two-minute massage from opposing playe= rs.

Smear the mirror. Students take turns using whipped cream to smear parts of their reflection = they don't like, e.g., the fat they have accrued from never doing a damn thing in gym class.